DGMInternetCrack fic
by etErnalroSe09
Summary: Read the title. Crack!fic about things that happen when Internet was introduced to DGM. TROLLOL, enjoy.
1. Intro

A/N: really freaked now. I went to search up on the voice actors of DGM and you'll never guess what I found.

Cloud=Kanda

Aerith=Lo Fa

Zack=Lavi

Sephiroth=Tyki=Sebastian=Dante=Minato

Kadaj=Jasdevi

Allen=Ceil

O.o

Disclaimer: If I owned DGM Leverrier would have became bacon long ago. And Chaoji too.

Dedicated: to anyone who reviews and favourites.

* * *

Internet happened

#1 Intro (so it's really short)

* * *

It was just another day at the Black Order. The exorcists were asleep, the finders were too, Allen was getting another midnight snack and the scientists were pulling an all-nighter. Everything was going as usual. Nobody knew that this night would be the one to change their lives drastically forever.

You see, that night, while the scientists were all hard at work, their chief was not doing so. Not at all. No, he wasn't sleeping. He was creating another Komurin. Yes, the thirteenth one. (A/N: Ooooh. Unlucky number.) Sparks flew everywhere, haloing Komui's explosion-blackened face, hiding the crazed, determined look in his eyes with the reflection of his spectacle lenses. He wielded, he poked. He prodded, he stuck, he screwed, he hammered. Then, at last, he tossed his tools aside and flicked a switch on the machine, jumping up and down in glee.

Komurin activated.

It ran about on brush-like caterpillar-legs.

It stepped on a sponge.

It tripped.

And.

It.

Fell.

Into.

A.

Vat.

Of.

Coffee.

Komurin Thirteen immediately went berserk and exploded it's 'head' off.

Leaving Komui to mourn over it's smoking remains.

Then it blew up again, but this time with a poof of pink sparkles. When it cleared, Komui was left plastered with pink from head to toe and "Komrin 13" was a screen as big as the wall with a single icon on it. Komui, ridden with curiosity, moved the console thingy and clicked the big, blue 'e'. The screen turned white and showed a word. "Google". Komui typed in his name and clicked the search button, just for the fun of it. He came up with a 'wikipage' and went and searched this " " he was found in. Also, what was 'anime'? Then he found a promising link that proclaimed 'fanfiction' and clicked that. Then he clicked the first story he found. LenAllen. What was that? He found out three minutes later. Also, add 'smut' and 'lemon' to his vocab.

"Help MEEEEEE!" Allen screamed as Komui went chasing him down the hallways armed with a drill, accusing him of corrupting Lenalee.

Lavi went to check out the giant screen instead. "What's this?" He asked, clicking on a link rated M.

"It's Komputer, Komui told him proudly, before Lenalee brought him down with Darkboots, Allen crying in fear at her feet.

"I meant Yullen, actually…" Lavi clasped his nose as he started nose-bleeding vigorously, blinking incredulously. Lenalee walked over. "OHMIGOSH!" She started nose-bleeding too, and ran away squealing, red in the face.

Allen walked over, blinked at the screen, before screaming in absolute horror. "WHAT IS THAT?!"

"Yullen lemon," Lavi replied off-handedly, scrolling through the pages furiously. "You and Yu-chan having sex."

Allen was so pale he would have faded away into nothing.

"Oh look! I found one where me, you, Yu-chan and Tyki-remember that Noah?-are having a foursome!"

The following crash was Allen colliding with the floor in a dead faint.

* * *

**Epilogue:**

Lavi chuckled evilly as he clicked on an interesting link that said 'Things to do at the mall'. Now, he should really see to asking Komui for a day off…

* * *

A/N: Review. It helps my ego. Will be putting up the next chapter soon. Gimme some ideas?

I'll give you a virtual toaster.

And a chocobo if you PM.

Bye.


	2. The mall

Chapter one: Lavi's lists1- the mall

The computer got invented and so did the internet. DGM is on crack. Who knows what will happen. XD

A/N: I got the idea of these lists from SHADOWoftheWOLF 's story:Observations and really couldn't resist. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: disclaimed

* * *

The exorcists had a day off and all went to the mall...and Lavi had printed out a list of things to do with the help of the 'KOMputer' and the internet.

1)Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pool.

Lavi got stuck and they had to get Kanda to chop him free with Mugen.

2)Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

Apparently this was considered sexual harassment and Lavi had a restraining order placed on him. Allen had to bail him out.

3) Sneeze on the sample tray at confectionary/ candy shops and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

When Allen found out what Lavi was doing, he developed a sudden cold.

4)At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "My shoelaces! Augh!"

Allen walked past and rolled his eyes. "Lavi, your boots don't have shoelaces."

5) Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

Lavi didn't understand what this meant and asked for porn instead.

6) Teach pets store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

Allen freaked out 'cause whenever he walked past a parrot, it yelled 'moyashi'. Kanda almost laughed. Almost.

7) Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...  
...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food."

Allen ate up those that were in a packet so Lavi licked up the sauce on the floor and Kanda stepped on his head.

8) Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

He even constructed a mini model of the Eiffel Tower complete with an elevator.

9) Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

He learned that green really suited him and the girls were all convinced that the lingerie shop was haunted.

10) Test mattresses in your pajamas.

He ended up bouncing on them instead and it escalated into a competition to see who could jump the highest. Kanda won. (Lenalee's dark boots were banned when she punched a hole through one of the mattresses)

11) If you're patient, start intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

He lasted 10 minutes before dashing to the toilet.

12) Sprint up the down escalator.

Kanda won again because Allen fell and took Lavi with him.

13) Stare at the static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."

Allen freaked out thinking he was blind and Kanda dismantled them with Mugen to find the 'hidden picture'. He threw Lavi into the fish tanks when he found none.

14) Ask an appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

Apparently they did so he asked for them in Latin.

15)Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

He never knew that the store sold so many condoms.

16)Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

He found a whole section which played Rebecca Black's 'Friday'

17) Try on bras over top of your clothes.

The girls still thought that the lingerie shop was haunted so he had the whole shop to himself. He managed to rope Allen in with promises of mitarashi dangos and Krory too (somehow) and they paraded around in apricot push-up bras. Sadly, Kanda proved to be more stubborn then he looked and sulked in the corner with Lenalee who was taking pictures as blackmail.

18)Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

Lavi used strawberry jam instead and people refused to even look in that direction.

19) While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, "I smell sex and candy."

Allen joined in with a second verse of "I smell rape and waffles."

18) Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

The employee, who was new, looked at him blankly before calling security and Lavi had to run.

19) Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn then all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Krory turned them on, freaked, and bolted, leaving Allen and Lenalee to waltz and Lavi to ask Kanda for a dance. He got a whack from Mugen instead.

20) Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Kanda kicked all their asses.

21) Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

Lavi decided to generously provide the statues with dresses and under wear as well.

22) Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

He got Allen's pancake, a couple of hats, skimpy lingerie, books, and Kanda's hair. The last he did not manage to reel in.

23) Put M&Ms on layaway.

Allen ate them anyway.

24) Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

The sales of carpets in that mall went down by 90% that day.

25) Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

Allen even brought blankets and they goaded Kanda into setting up the campfire.

26) Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Krory fainted.

27) Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

He even tried the mascara.

28) When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

Kanda freaked in his own weird way and flung foundation at him before ditching him. It escalated into a cosmetics fight after he left. Purple eyeshadow made good blusher, on Allen anyway.

29) Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

He decided to go a step further and deposited the stuff on the reflective glass

30) Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battle field with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Allen somehow cheated and won and it turned into something like strip-poker

31) While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

They confiscated the guns and threw him out. He snuck back in to test the Glock.

32) Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

He used this as an excuse to sneak into the girl's toilet and peek at them.

33) Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Link started stalking him too.

34) Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

After getting paid to try out Porches and Volvos, he seriously considered switching occupations.

35) In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.

He even spray-painted his hair pink.

36) Hide in the clothing racks and when the people browse through, say things like "Pick me, pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

Allen shrieked and nearly fainted when a frilly pink dress tried to convince him to buy it.

37) When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Kanda got a shock of his life when Lavi suddenly screamed in his ear and dissolved in hysterics.

38) Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

Lavi allowed only busty women in his line and checked them out while he checked their groceries out.

39) Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

He spiked it with Sake and got so drunk the other exorcists had to forcibly drag him back to the headquarters, thus ending their day-out

* * *

A/N: Enjoyed it? Well, you better review then. XD

also, i don't mind if you want to waste my time PMing me. Life gets boring easily.


	3. The lift

A/N: Listening to Breaking Benjamin and Skillet. They're AWESOME. Love them.

Disclaimer: Gee, I really don't know. DO I LOOK LIKE HOSHINO TO U?!

Dedicated: for BlueDragon2908, taylorbugjuice, and all my followers!

* * *

Chapter 2: Lavi's lists2- the lift

* * *

After the incident with Komurin and the canon-blasting elevator, Komui changed it into one of the modern day one-a rectangular steel box. Lavi thought this a good opportunity to search up a list of things to do in this new elevator.

1) Walk on with a cooler that is labeled "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.

Allen paled and got out when Lavi made squelching noises.

2) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Concerned that he might have a Noah in his head as well, Link started stalking him.

3) Crack open your briefcase of purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?

Krory wondered whatever Lavi could possibly have in there. Apparently it was a mousetrap. A very painful mousetrap.

4) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Tired of his antics, Kanda was pleased and so Allen, but the latter secretly worried that there was something wrong.

5) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

"Baka usagi," Kanda muttered as he shoved past.

6) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Bookman whacked him and told him that as a future bookman he should stop fooling around.

7) Meow occasionally.

Allen joined in with barks and Lenalee squeaked. Krory made an incredible imitation of a law mower.

8) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Allen lost a dollar.

9) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

"THEM? What do you mean them?! If you are talking about akumas, I thought we had it pretty clear I AM NOT ONE. And for god's sake, I am not a Noah either!"  
After this outburst, Lavi backed away slowly from Allen and apologised.

10) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Kanda chopped it up for calling him 'Yu-pon'. Lavi amazingly still retained his intact hand.

11) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

He stopped when Komui took out his giant drill to dissect the lift to find out what Lavi could possibly be listening to.

12) Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

Lenalee knocked him out and dragged him to the infirmary.

13) Say "Ding" at each floor.

Allen, Lenalee and Krory joined in with "Dong" and "Ping" and they agreed to form a choir. Komui conducted.

14) Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

One of them was labelled " eject"

15) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Miranda got a shock, screamed, and jumped out of the closing door and got stuck.

16) Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

Allen was glad because that meant Lavi had gotten new ones and would stop borrowing his to make sock puppets.

17) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

Krory's watch conveniently beeped at that moment and everyone told him it was his watch.

18) Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

He somehow contacted the Millennium Earl and hung up on him.

19) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

Kanda reserved the rest of the lift space for himself and selfishly refused to share with Allen.

20) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

He ended up alternating jabs and pokes with Kanda. Mugen was unfortunately sharp.

21) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Komui pulled out a taser and gave him a real shock.

22) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Poor Allen gave up and took the stairs.

23) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

They didn't but Lavi managed to arrange a date with the receptionist and Kanda. The GUY receptionist.

24) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

"Don't call me tha-" Kanda began to snap habitually, "wait what?!"  
Lavi continued to speak to the air and Kanda got off at the first chance he could, staring weirdly at him.

25) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bookman threw it at him in shock then whacked him over the head for screaming.

26) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Lavi snuck the camera up Lenalee's skirt and got a darkbooted kick to the face.

27) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lavi didn't have a desk, so he dragged one in from the library. Allen offered to be the secretary.

28) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

He beat Allen and Krory but lost to an inexplicably flexible finder.

29) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

He never saw Finders run so fast.

30) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

He even got Allen to take notes and Lenalee to demonstrate how to put on a life jacket and parachute.

31) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

After he asked five times, Kanda jabbed him with Mugen and asked if he felt THAT.

32) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Allen whacked him over the head when Lavi suggested a shower.

33) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Krory panicked.

34) Swat at flies that don't exist.

Komui sprayed him in the eye with bug spray.

35) Tell people that you can see their aura.

He could see Kanda's pissed off aura alright, after bugging him to no end.

36) Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Allen joined in with the sound of motor bikes.

37) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

He got Hevlaska to catch them so they were stranded on the roof for a good half of the day.

38) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"

He'd never seen scientists run that fast.

39) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

He'd never seen janitors run that fast either.

40) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

The head nurse dragged him back to the infirmary.

41) One word: Flatulence!

He had baked beans for dinner that day. Allen fainted.

42) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Link stared at him weirdly.

43) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Timothy who finally finished homework, joined in with a mutilated version of "twinkle twinkle little star"

44) Bring a chair along.

It was a rolley one and he and Timothy fought over it until Kanda pushed them both out and sat in the chair himself.

45) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

Lenalee thought he raided her panty drawer again and kicked him in the crotch.

46) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

Kanda proved to be stubborn so Lavi, two Finders, three exorcists and a scientist (who was also the Branch Head) brought him down in a tackle.

This was the last straw and caused Kanda to blow up the elevator and demand the old one back.

* * *

A/N: Well….there u go. School really sux. TT_TT I hav so much homework I hardly have any time to write and upload…..


End file.
